the path to heaven doesn’t lie down in flat miles.

It’s in the imagination with which you perceive this world,

and the gestures with which you honor it.

“The Swan” Mary Oliver

 

Yes, Mary. You got that right. Nothing is straightforward anymore, nothing is “lay down the lumber and get the job done.” At least not when you are approaching 70 and talking about the path to heaven, a.k.a., the big “O”. (Okay, I am really taking liberties with Mary’s text, but let’s have fun with it.)

There are two questions about sex that confront us at this stage of the game which were never a consideration when we were young: Why and How. Why is not really the stumbling block: There remains in all vibrant, loving relationships, no matter what the age, a need, and desire for sensual intimacy (not necessarily sexual). The troubles start when why gets preempted by why bother… which is really a question of how. 

When did how become an issue? At some mysterious point, we transitioned from the enflamed passions of youth to the flickering embers of the golden years. The old certainties can no longer be counted on. In fact, for the most part, all the fundamentals that fueled this charge when we were young now work against us. 

The body no longer makes demands – it adds encumbrances. There are no animal instincts to unleash, no hormonal urges to satisfy. There is no excess energy to burn. The legs cramp, backs ache, bodily fluids dry up.   At the end of the day, we are typically too tired or disinterested to consider investing that extra energy into some special moments of intimate engagement. 

If we could just figure out the How!

Back to Mary Oliver:

It’s in the imagination with which you perceive this world, 

and the gestures with which you honor it.

The answer: We have to re-envision, reimagine what sexual intimacy – and intimacy in general – means at this stage of life. We have to do this. There are no models to follow. There are no societal expectations to constrict or shame us. There are no magazine articles featuring sex for seniors with pictures of 60 something bodies with real-life sags and wrinkles and creases plastered on the front cover. No one tells us gets to tell us how it should feel or what it should look like. “Ew. Gross,” our children would say even to the thought that old people might still be “doing it.”

It is up to us. We are on our own. Which is a great thing. No expectations. We can do whatever we like, whenever we like it, or not at all.

So what does senior sex look like, feel like?

Let me state my case that less is more.

#1. Sex is optional. No one is keeping score. There is no need for performance anxiety, agendas, expectations. We make love in the freedom of whatever. We have answered the bell enough times that any more is just a bonus.  We get to do what we like, go as far as we like, and stop when we like. It is all good. 

#2. Sex is acceptance.  Accept and love your partner as they are for who they are, and ourselves as well, of course. No judgement. No need for chiseled abs or acrobatics. We get to customize our experience to suit our idiosyncratic preferences and storied bodies.  Let it all hang out. 

#3. Sensuality first, sex second. Touch – slow, soft, and gentle – fills more of the intimacy bill than getting it on. A hand on the shoulder as you walk by, maybe an impromptu embrace, a lingering kiss, spooning, a Tango on the livingroom floor, that may be enough, more than enough. 

#4. It takes two to Tango. Sex is co-creative. We make it up as we explore together, in synchrony. Every journey takes a different path and ends with a different destination. We build off each, we complement and augment each other’s energies. We can apply the brakes at any time, come to a full stop, turn around. Yes, very much like the Tango.

#5. The relationship is paramount. Sex for sex’s sake is long past. Been there done that. Same old same old. Relationships on the other hand are constantly changing, evolving, becoming richer, and deeper. If sex is not feeding the relationship it is not worth the effort ( Have I mentioned that it is sometimes effort?) What feeds the relationship is a complex of attitudes and actions that extend far beyond and swaddle sexual intimacy. Every engagement and coupling has to be supported by the gentlest and most respectful of approaches. Call it emotional foreplay.

The treasure of sex at seventy.

Such attunement and sensitivity are only possible when one’s one self-interest, a.k.a.. raging hormones and performance anxiety, have subsided enough that we can moderate our movement to our partner’s response.

• As our inner drive diminishes our freedom to be attentive to the wants and desires of our partner heightens, rather than our own needs.

• We learn to practice patience.

• We pause and await a consenting response before we move.

• We listen to the rise and fall of their breath. Our energy builds together (we often don’t have enough energy to carry the game on our own.)

• We respond with our entire being to our partner’s comfort levels and arousal. In this way, sexual intimacy truly does become making love. 

“Wait!” says Mary. What about technique?

The question that every tanguero knows far to well.

It is not only how we imagine our path to heaven but also the gestures with which we honour it.

Pay attention to detail. 

Layer the evening with a plethora of gestures and rituals to honour the occasion. Music and flowers and chocolates, of course, are always suitable but then that goes with any age. But that is just a start. A special meal, a fine wine, elegant attire, rolling up the carpet for dancing.

Approach the evening and your partner with the heartfelt conviction that there is no one you would rather be with, nowhere you would rather be and nothing you would rather be doing. 

Then there are all the physical hazards that must be sidestepped. The road to heaven is fraught with peril. People our age can get hurt playing sex! There needs to be shaves and showers and stretching exercises and warm baths and aromatherapy and special oils.

Last-minute hurdles are roadblocks. They will suffice just as an excuse to roll over and spoon. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Just saying.

Less is More

But let’s surmise for a moment that you do make it to the mountain top and you actually catch a glimpse of the pearly gates and it feels just like – almost as you remember it. You might just come away thinking: “Isn’t it amazing that after all these years…?” and “Shouldn’t we turn the TV off and head upstairs sooner?” and then start to form resolves and create expectations. 

Resist the urge. Remind yourself: “This is all optional, there is no pressure, no expectations. It is all a bonus.” Then get up, do your stretching and take an Epsom salts bath.