My apologies to everyone who genuinely enjoys a carefree spin around the dance floor without someone trying to complicate things. But then, those people have likely stopped reading this blog page ages ago. I have an irrepressible penchant for edgy social commentary.
“If you want to change the world, change the metaphor.” Bertrand Russell.
OK. He likely never danced a day in his life, being a philosopher at Cambridge, but nonetheless an insightful comment.
Tango is my metaphor.
The reason I write about and dance Tango is that it changes the way I interact with the world. It is my belief that if we invested ourselves more fully in the arts of all genres and learned the prerequisite skills of introspection, mindfulness, creativity, intimacy, cooperation and such, it would be a better world.
Not a perfect world, mind you. Tango is a great example of how things get complicated and messy as we muddle our way through. Consider the focus of this blog …
Consensual sensuality
It should be an axiom that all human interaction be founded on respect, co-operation, and consent. Should be …
Here in Canada, judges are finally being schooled on the proper hearing of sexual assault charges to ensure there are no more verdicts with “Keep your legs closed.” in the summary statement.
A few years back in Ontario, the Liberals introduced a high school curriculum that taught consent to the students. The focus was specifically about dating practices where “no means no and yes means yes”. Unless you have explicit consent for sexual contact, you risk violating boundaries.
As soon as the government changed, they dismantled the program as too controversial: students should not have to reflect on such sensitive matters. Stick to the old system of dating where a guy is free to make assumptions about what his date wants even when she clearly does not share his opinion.
My apologies again to those who find this offensive, but then, it is offensive.
My family-of-origin socialization was even more old school. Who cared about consent? “No” simply means she is just playing hard to get. Try harder. (for more crude and rude, albeit told very sensitively, check out my book Trauma to Tango: dancing through the shadows of abuse.”
Why Tango?
The distinctive place that Tango occupies in this discussion is that it spans such a broad spectrum of relational dynamics in both its historical development and its popular representation, ranging from the stereotypical machismo male seducing a voluptuous, scantily clad woman (read: non-consensual sexuality) to the soft, gentle, most delicate expressions of mutuality (read: consensual sensuality). (For some personal reflections on the BA social and dance scene check out a colleague’s recent book, Intoxicating Tango: My Years in Buenos Aires by Cherie Magnus.)
In Tango, the same structural dynamics that allow for such distortion of male/ female interaction also contain the elements that can elevate the dance into something that transcends power dynamics and embodies the essence of consensual sensuality. The close embrace, the pauses, the melancholia invite us to step delicately along the precarious ridge of vulnerability and intimacy. Depending on how this divide is navigated one falls either into seductive power plays on the one side or consensual sensuality on the other.
“If you want to change the world, change the metaphor.”
I want to do both. I want to change the metaphor and the world. It is my conviction that intimacy can be experienced and expressed without power struggles and violating boundaries but rather in supportive and co-creative engagement.
At the beginning of every dance, I check the signals. I assess my partner’s emotional investment, her openness, her receptivity and responsiveness.
From the moment we approach each other on the dance floor I am paying attention. Is there acknowledgment, a warm smile, eye contact? How does the embrace feel? Hesitant, tentative, enveloping? How do our energy and motion complement as we step to the side? Resistance, responsiveness, tension, welcoming?
I sense her timing, her interest in certain moves, her emotional investment in the dance, her interest in embellishments and I fashion my dance and lead accordingly. I dispel the temptation to layer the dance with fantasies or ego needs or glutch-and-grab self-indulgence. I take only what is graciously and freely given and in turn give only what is readily received.
Consent plays into every step in tango.
The lead does not force a step but opens a door, creates space that invites his partner’s creative response. He waits mindfully as his partner steps through to adorn the dance in her special way. This exquisite act of co-creation and artistry insists that we be equal partners who understand each other clearly, respectfully and in complete safety.
Tango is about mutually pleasuring. This is my delight in the dance, to hear an enthusiastic “yes” from the core of my partner. When I dance I feel massaged inwardly. I am affirmed at a core level when someone responds to my lead.
To relate to another as subject to subject with attentiveness, without agenda, without manipulation or expectations, with full consensual sensuality, this is the most humanizing thing we can do. Our being is expanded and deepened by engaging with another. We are understood, appreciated, and attended to. This is the essence of relationship.