The hug is the drug.
And such a drug it is. The experience of being held releases a cocktail of chemicals including dopamine, serotonin and endorphins, oxytocin, (nicknamed the cuddle drug), pretty much the body’s entire arsenal of feel-good chemicals.
So with so much of our physiology geared to making this such a great feeling, why does it so often go wrong? (see previous blog, Talk, Touch, Tact and Tango: 4 secrets to soulful communication, for examples.)
Good touch, bad touch
Touch is a sensitive, complicated business. It takes a lot of skill, personal awareness, sensitivity and intuition or tact, to negotiate and navigate responsibly the complex dynamics. Consider:
- Good touch is supportive, gentle, affectionate, reciprocal and most importantly, invited; bad touch is insensitive, aggressive, potentially abusive, painful, and certainly not welcome.
- Good touch is honouring; bad is denigrating and manipulative.
- Good touch is subject to subject; bad touch subject to object.
- Good touch shares authority and power; bad touch is manipulative, domineering and self-serving.
But nothing is simply good or bad. We all have self-serving, egoistic intent in everything we do. To quote Mary Oliver (which I am fond of doing):
Mostly, I want to be kind. And nobody, of course, is kind, or mean, for a simple reason.
So complicated. Can we hope to get it right? Maybe we should just play it safe and not touch at all? Make like a hermit crab and retreat into a shell.
Not. We need to touch and be touched.
Social scientists are now considering the possibility that the long-term mental health effects from current social distancing constraints may be greater than the virus itself! (reference)
Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Joni Mitchell
Not to complain, but here I go complaining.
Personally, I am blessed because I share my bubble with my main squeeze. I can’t imagine how painful it must be for those who live alone. Nonetheless, every time we have family over for a backyard or front veranda visit, having them walk away without being able to send them off with an embrace leaves us feeling empty.
Perhaps the gift of this time is to cause us to value the little bits and pieces of connection and communication that we currently have to forgo, but which at other times we might take for granted: a full-faced smile, a hand on the shoulder, a warm embrace, sharing conversation over a meal, dancing, attending live concerts (imagine!).
Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Now can be the time to fine-tune our appreciation for and sensitivity to the whole dynamic of physical contact…
… which brings us to (not directly of course, but soonish? hopefully?) …
Tango
The Tango is the art of melding sensuality and sensitivity to music and movement. Refinement happens when we create time and space to savour the nuances of every encounter.
Think sampling fine wine, sensing the nose, holding the glass to the light, examining the legs, rolling the first taste around on your tongue. None of this needy, greedy chucking-it-back business.
And no clutch and grab on the dance floor! How many times I have heard followers complain about their partners attempting to force compliance.
The question that always presents itself to me when I approach my partner is:
How do I balance excitement and anticipation with shyness and trepidation?
This is a sacred encounter. I could be dancing in bare feet! (Isn’t that how ecstatic Suffi dancers responded to divine presence?)
When I consider the current social context, a.k.a Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, #MeToo, the list goes on (see previous blog), I am always astounded at how exceptional is this experience of engaging my partner respectfully in close embrace, and co-creating something of beauty and elegance.
I hold in my heart the belief that with every dance we are not only resolving Harvey’s conundrum but moving toward a richer and deeper consciousness of connection that will eventually transform our world.