Staying connected in a time of Social Distancing.
How can we feel close when we are physically far away?
OK. this is not easy. But it is possible.
Most of us are acutely aware at this time of missing connection. Certainly, social distancing constricts our experience of the same and all but eliminates our opportunity for being gregarious and spontaneously effusive.
Normally when we think about connecting with someone, it involves being close enough to feel, touch, even smell the other person. Our minds instantly flood with warm memories of casual visits permeated with hugs, handshakes, kisses, all within a 6-foot radius and without protective face coverings.
Alas, only memories.
Don’t blame everything on COVID!
To be fair, we have been having challenges with the touchy-feely dynamic of relationships for a long time. Most recently accentuated by #metoo, physical contact has always been problematic and confusing.
Consider the BC (before COVID) quote from Harvey Weinstein, currently serving a 23-year sentence for sexual assault convictions: “I had a wonderful time with these people (i.e., the victims). I’m confused, and I think men are confused.”
Presumably, during COVID “lockdown” the parameters around safe touch are a little clearer so that men like Harvey don’t have to be confused about what is appropriate.
The Gift of This Time
This shutdown is the opportunity for a huge reset.
Let’s face it: communicating affection, caring, respect is a very complex and skillful practice. With restrictions in place, this is as good a time as any to figure out what consensual connection really means.
We have the opportunity to explore what is at the heart of connection and is truly nurturing and generative. There are ways to feel deeply connected with others with minimal or no physical contact. We need to learn and relearn every subtle variance and enactment.
5 lessons about Connection
#1) True connection begins with the heart.
Before any physical expression of warmth is made, the heart first has to be preset to be open, welcoming, receptive, and loving.
Emotion must precede all motion. Check inside to ensure you are coming from a caring, selfless, non-egoic place.
Don’t be careless. People are hurt if this step is missed. (I have committed my share of atrocities by not cleaning up inside before I step outside. Incriminating examples to follow. Keep reading).
#2) The body channels what is in your heart.
This happens whether we intend it or not, often through very simple physical cues: a shrug, eye contact, a smile, a handshake, a turned head. The old adage is that 80% of communication is non-verbal and expressed through body posturing.
The body does not lie. Have you ever tricked someone with a fake smile? Have you ever cringed from the slimy feeling of a weak handshake? Can you tell the difference between a warm hug, a half-hearted hug, or a lusty grope?
Tango Tip:
Some of my most distasteful experiences of the above have been with female teachers (from the motherland) whose teaching style relies more on force than affection. I have been physically jerked around the floor (literally) all the while being scolded for not being compliant.
I am aware quite quickly that the root of my inability to respond is because I do not like this person; all the scolding and twisting in the world exacerbates the situation rather than resolves it. Two bodies pressing against each other does not necessarily mean it feels good, believe it or not. It all boils down to what is in the heart.
#3) Connection needs to be consensual.
Consensual engagement requires there to be receptivity and equanimity. Equanimity and shared power are very complex social realities that include consideration of the social position and physical power of both parties.
Engagement without equanimity always leans toward coercion. Harvey’s confusion about the difference between compliance and consent was a result of not taking into account that he was more physically and socially powerful than his victims. When you cannot say “no” without recrimination, you can also not give a truthful “yes.”
Even a positive intent should never be expressed or acted on if not invited. Physical contact without consent/ reciprocal heart connection, violates personal space and can be experienced as abusive and may trigger trauma responses.
My incriminating example (as promised):
At a family funeral, I attempted to reconnect with an estranged relative. Communication had been strained and I thought I would attempt to bridge the gap by making an uninvited approach.
I strode up boldly, put my hand on her shoulder, and complimented her on her appearance. I did not pre-screen for receptivity with eye contact, a smile, or some other indication that my approach was welcome.
She interpreted my contact as being a sexual advance. The consequence was that the wedge was driven deeper between family factions and continues to this day.
Tango Tip:
The brilliance of Tango is that it ritualizes some of the fundamentals of human engagement. The cabeceo is an excellent example. The literal translation is ‘nod of the head’. In simple terms, it is a non-verbal invitation to dance the tango from man to woman, often communicated across the dance floor. Acceptance of the invitation by the woman is returned with a Mirada, or look of acknowledgment. No one makes a move toward the dance floor until this ritual exchange transpires.
Cardinal rule: No invitation, no dance.
#4) Physical contact intensifies the heart’s intent.
Physical contact does more than just communicate the heart’s affection. It also intensifies it. The experience of being touched and held releases pretty much the body’s entire arsenal of feel-good chemicals. Oxytocin, nicknamed the cuddle drug, helps regulate mood and social behavior, appetite and digestion, sleep, memory, and sexual desire and function. Dopamine regulates mood and muscle movement and plays a vital role in the brain’s pleasure and reward systems. Serotonin helps regulate mood, body temperature, and appetite. Endorphins act on the opiate receptors in our brains, and reduce pain and boost pleasure, resulting in a feeling of well-being.
No wonder a healthy sex life strengthens the love bond as well as the immune system.
#5) The heart can communicate affect independently.
Fortunately, at a distance that exceeds social distancing, our heart is giving off electro-magnetic signals. These are felt subconsciously even without physical cues or contact. So we can feel that warmth even from a distance and with our eyes closed. Try it sometime. It’s fun.
Conclusion:
Can this time of social distancing actually bring us closer?
No pretending, this lack of physical connection is a diminishment. However, less can actually be more if we take this opportunity to practice the skills that often get overlooked and subsumed into the rituals of greeting and engagement.
Absence can make the heart grow stronger.
Now is the time when we can practice our skills of making connection by learning the language of the heart.