Getting through difficult times.
Allow me to relay a conversation between Tony Roberts and Nelson Mandela.
Tony asked Nelson, certainly one of the twentieth-century poster-children for overcoming adversity: ‘How did you make it through all those years of suffering? And how did you survive?….
to which Nelson stiffened and responded indignantly, ‘I didn’t survive. I prepared.’ *
Nelson Mandela not only survived through over 25 years of imprisonment, much of it in solitary confinement but became one of the foremost moral and political leaders of our generation. He embraced the unimaginable difficulties, disillusionment, and pain that was heaped upon him, as an opportunity to learn and grow and change and be better prepared for the life task that he envisioned set before him. He lived through his imprisonment with the conviction that everything that came his way could be given meaning and could be transformed into something redemptive and make him and his world better.
And for all of us who do that transformational work, nothing could be more offensive, as Tony Roberts discovered than to be identified as a victim or mere survivor.
Personal experience
A few years back, I was at an authors’ seminar and had the opportunity to share briefly the scope of my book Trauma to Tango: dancing through the shadows, beginning with an insight into childhood trauma and sexual abuse and ending with the healing and strength that can be fashioned out of adversity.
A fellow participant came up to me afterward, placed a very sympathetic hand on my shoulder and looking softly into my eyes said, “So you are a survivor.”
My gut turned. I thought, “Thanks a lot. I share my life story of strength and courage and all you heard were the bad bits of my childhood?” Where does that leave me as a powerful and wise adult?
I did not revisit my childhood trauma simply to feel sorry for myself or find a lifelong excuse or someone else to blame for my screwups, although that was a temptation to wallow there. But instead, I made choices that took me beyond that sense of victimhood and making someone else responsible for my life path.
My comment back to her was, “I am a thriver, not a survivor.”
The very turmoil in which I was steeped as a child steeled my resolve to rise above. Throughout life, I have been impelled by a vision to do more than simply repair the damage but to overcome past patterns and create learning for myself and others.
Making a Difference
All of us to a greater or lesser degree are called to make a difference in this world. It is my belief that this calling begins as often as not, with some atrocity, injustice, or trauma that we endured, as a child or an adult As we dig our way out from under that rubble we learn not only to heal from the scars but to undo the propensity to repeat those patterns. Our learning and growth become humanity’s learning and growth. Our pain and healing become our gift to the world.
COVID Reset
Personally, I have to confess that I have been a major winer these last few weeks of isolation and have found it very difficult to find my “happy thoughts.” This quarantine has been considerably easier for me and others around me than for a majority of others, not even counting those who have gotten sick. Nonetheless, I have been crying in my beer, alone.
But if I dig a little deeper, I am sure I can find the mental toughness to embrace the difficulties and challenges that have come our way as an opportunity to grow stronger and wiser.
One more reference to Nelson Mandela. While in prison, engaged in his herculean struggle to maintain his mental and moral strength, he repeated endlessly to himself the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley. It ends with these lines: “I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.”
*Speaking of preparing, there are wonderful practice resources for Tangueros available online. Two of my favourites are Venessa Gauch and Chrisa Assis.