Talk, Touch, Tact and Tango: 4 secrets to soulful communication.

There is a gulf that separates us, one from the other, which we cannot abide. Its persistence haunts us with the spectre that we are alone, islands unto ourselves, neither belonging nor beloved. Our entire lives, we strive to bridge that gulf, to find identity in belonging to community, to claim a special place in someone’s heart, someone’s arms. 

We are social creatures. Our sense of self comes from being in relation, communicating, seeing ourselves mirrored in other’s attention, feeling comforted in the embrace of another’s love. 

To find our home we must master the alchemy of communication: the delicate, tenuous art in which we share the earnest yearnings of our heart through word and deed, in the hope that it will be received and returned in kind. 

There is no certainty or guarantee of the success of our efforts.  Communication is inherently flawed and fraught with peril. We can never really know what is going on inside of another person and just as often, are confused about what is going on inside of ourselves. At all times we risk being misunderstood, judged, and rejected.

But we keep trying because we cannot live with the alternative of not belonging.  

So we try and fail and try again and stumble and try again. And on those most precious of occasions when we succeed, for that ephemeral moment, we know we are not alone.

Join me in exploring four stories of trying and failing and trying again.

 

Story #1: Talk 

 

My daughter and I are sitting at an outdoor patio cafe overlooking Kitsilano Beach, downtown Vancouver, idyllic by any standards. Two young gentlemen (I use that term in the broadest sense of the word) sit down next table and begin spewing mouthfuls of sexist slurs. 

My daughter, straight out, calls them on it. “I’m gay and I don’t appreciate you referring to people as faggots.” 

“Sorry,” they respond, appropriately embarrassed, “We didn’t intend anything by it.” 

Sara, “That is just the thing. It means what it means whether you intend it or not.” 

End of story. We walk away. The two husky fellows are left to reflect on how they have just been put in their place by a 5’2” young woman. 

 

I have on occasion found myself on the wrong end of similar exchanges (OK, lots of occasions), where my presentation didn’t match up with my intention. Or, just as likely I had no idea what I was intending. Perhaps, as the fellows above, I didn’t intend anything by it. I just let fly without any forethought as to what I meant or how someone else might perceive or receive it.

When I was in the church ministry, case in point, I was a walking time bomb. People came Sunday morning to catch my latest gaff as much as some spiritual insight. (Fortunately, most of what I said was quite forgettable, so I am not haunted by it in my dreams.)

But I did learn something. 

Communication is not only what is expressed but how that is interpreted, perceived, or received. In fact, another’s interpretation is more important than my intention, their hearing more important than my speaking. 

There is no letting myself off the hook by saying “I didn’t mean anything by it.” It means what it means whether I intended anything by it or not. 

 

Story #2: Touch

 

This story played out on the big screen, literally. 

Harvey Weinstein’s defence (Remember Harvey, the Movie mogul?) against the dozen-odd charges of rape, sexual assault and sexual harassment was as follows: 

“I’m not going to say these aren’t great people. I had a wonderful time with these people. I’m confused, and I think men are confused. It is all a misunderstanding.”

Harvey is confused and he thinks possibly with some merit, that men, generally, are confused. Really, how is it that women can experience a man’s sexual advancement as abusive when the guy is just out to have a good time? 

 

Space or distance is the last boundary or barrier that we can put between ourselves and another.  Touch is penetration of that boundary and potentially a violation of another’s personal space. It affects a vulnerability and intimacy that may not be representative or respectful of the other’s integrity or spirit. 

Sexual touch or activity is all of the above times ten. It is never just about having a good time. It is always soul shaping, for better or worse, welcome or abhorrent.

Story #3: Tact

 

Tact refers to approaching another person with insight, sensitivity, and appreciation for how one’s words and actions might be received or perceived.  Tact is the skill of matching intention and perception with precision and accuracy.

With a little more tact on my part, the following debacle would not have occurred:

I was at a funeral. I went over to an estranged family member with the intent of smoothing over some past disgruntlement. I put my hand on her shoulder and complimented her on her appearance. We exchanged a few brief pleasantries and then both went our way. End of story.

Not quite. My approach was perceived as a sexual overture, a definite boundary violation. An enhanced rendition was circulated throughout the family. It left me with a lot of dirt to clean off my face and an even deeper family fracture. 

Of course, this had not been my intention. I was trying to be polite, mend fences. But that’s just the thing. It is not the intention but how it is received or perceived. My approach was disrespectful not only of boundaries but of the tenuous status of the relationship. Given the context, I was appropriately censored. 

 

Not that we can necessarily assume responsibility for other people’s reactions to our actions,  or always anticipate them. The point is – exercising a modicum of good judgement in anticipating another’s response minimizes miscommunication and saves everyone a lot of pain and embarrassment. A little tact goes a long way.

Communication is more than words. Social sciences tell us that 80% of what we are communicating is through non-verbal cues, involving our entire body, actions, gestures and intonation. 

Time to Give Up?

 

How on earth are we supposed to know all this? 

Do we have to present a brief bio, draw up a legal contract before we engage another?

Should we get the other person to sign a waiver lest we offend?

Maybe we should just play it safe and not touch or talk at all?

Take a breath and relax. There are good strategies to deal with the complexities and hazards of communication, but those are not them.  

Take Harvey for instance. In a later statement to The Times, Mr. Weinstein said: “I appreciate the way I’ve behaved with colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain, and I sincerely apologize for it. Though I’m trying to do better, I know I have a long way to go.” He added that he was working with therapists and planning to take a leave of absence to “deal with this issue head-on.”

Good for you Harvey. Can I make a suggestion? Learn to dance the Tango.

 

Story #4: The Tango

 

Coincidently, the Tango just happens to be the perfect medium for learning how to communicate non-verbally with the body, matching intention with perception.

Next blog. Stay with me.

P.S. For anyone interested in an in-depth exploration of any of the above themes, lookup the new release, Touch: Recovering our Most Vital Sense by Richard Kearney. Excellent. I will be referencing it regularly.