Trans Tango?

Can Argentine Tango help in gender transitioning?

About a year and a half ago a friend of mine disclosed that they were transitioning gender from male to female and invited my support. I suggested learning the follow role in Argentine Tango as a way of exploring gender dynamics and feminine sensitivities. This is our conversation after 18 months of exploration.

Aydan: As a way of introduction, can you short form what has been going on for you the last two years?

Emily: I am transitioning between male and female genders, so am currently transgender and am moving toward transsexual.

Aydan: What is the difference between transgender and transsexual?

Emily: Transgender identifies one as transitioning between genders. Transsexual identifies one as having completed that transition. I am still in transition. I am currently taking estrogen therapy and then will proceed with a surgical operation to become female.

Aydan: We are close to the same age. What has motivated you to make these changes now in your seasoned years?

Emily: I have always felt that I was a female in a male body. Since puberty, I was attracted to cross-dressing but suppressed the instinct from shame and fear of reprisal.

Recently I have been having dreams that have pushed me to explore this issue with my analyst. She helped me identify having an etheric womb. This encouraged me to explore more fully my feminine identity.

Aydan: Are there social changes as well that might have encouraged you to do more exploration?

Emily: Lately the social climate seems a little less threatening.  That has helped in finding the courage to risk changing my identity including my name, as well as pursuing medical interventions.

I certainly have found a lot of acceptance when I share my new identity with others, women in particular. But I am still careful about revealing this change indiscriminately. I am guarded about when and where I dress in a more feminine way. I am introducing my new name in stages as I am just now completing a legal name change.

But of course, there is still a lot of resistance and prejudice to transgender exploration. This has led me professionally to an extensive exploration of patriarchy and social structures that inhibit or repress the development of the feminine in young males. 

Aydan: How are you feeling now, halfway into this transition?

Emily: I love the freedom of wearing a dress.  It feels truly me. Dresses are so flowing, delicious, and sensuous. It gives me energy. I get excited about dressing up. I love colours, fabric, fashion. I never paid any attention to any of this when dressing as a man. It feels joyful. I am having so much fun.

I have developed a new hobby of dress-shopping. Everytime I go past a store or see a woman walk by in a dress I wonder how I would look and feel in that. There is also the process in how I deal with my hair, letting it grow and colouring it.

Aydan: My obseration is that you certainly appear more alive and vibrant when you are dressed feminine. Have you noticed any personality shifts accompanying these external changes?

Emily: For the first time in my life I walk past a mirror and say “You’re beautiful.” 

There is a fullness and completeness. I am certainly more sensitive. I am more emotional and intuitive. 

My professional life in counselling coincides with this. A more masculine orientation in therapy is often more outcome-focused and goal-oriented. I find in my counselling role that I am far more inclined to stand alongside in support, waiting without expectation or anticipation of a preconceived outcome.

Aydan: That sounds very familiar to some of the concepts that we have been exploring in our Tango sessions, over the past year. Have these practices complemented your transition?

Emily: First of all it has given me an opportunity to dress up, which has been lots of fun. 

But secondly learning the follow role has been helpful internalizing intuitive movement, moving without thinking or anticipating, being responsive rather than directive, being led, not the leader or driver.

There is also the element of learning to trust, bringing vulnerability to the dance. It has been quite surprising to me to experience that following is not weaker or less than leading. There is strength in vulnerability.

There is also something distinctive about your teaching or leading which emphasizes responsiveness, gentleness, and cooperative movement. When we practice a new move we learn it together through negotiation and listening and attuning to each other’s bodies. It is not “you do this so I do that.” It is moving together – an attunement, a speechless conversation.

It is a huge thrill for me to find myself moving this way. Doing what feels right for me in my body rather than what my partner is expecting. But then adding to my self-awareness, attentiveness and attunement to my partner. Very rich. 

I have found the experience very joyful. That is one word, delicious is another. 

Also sensual, not sexual, which is different. Sensuality is this continuous flowing, pulsing. Sex is a wave where energy peaks and passes. The energy resolves itself and dissipates.  Sensuality continues to flow.

All of this underscores what I believe and teach in relational counselling: we have a primary relationship with ourselves before we enter into relationship with others. We are our primary dance partner. Only when I know how the dance feels to me, inside of me, can I bring my best dance to my partner. 

Aydan: I often characterize some styles of Tango dancing or teaching as manipulative, which of course is not a good relationship model, on or off the dance floor. Fortunately, some of the more recent teaching or emphasis I hear is, “Leading is creating a safe space and extending an invitation to your partner to be creative and supporting their response.”

Emily: I had danced Tango as a lead years before so the differences between lead and follow are very distinctive. The posture is so different. In following, more emphasis is given to hip movement, leaning, trusting. There is an inherent vulnerability in the embrace, not only in the closeness but also opening one’s arms to receive one’s partner. 

I was quite surprised to find this vulnerability so enlivening. The emphasis or sensation for me is a flow throughout my body. Unlocking my hips enriches the dance experience. Then the pivoting with a dress, the flaring, flowing, all very rich, sensuous, delicious. 

Aydan: So what changes are you envisioning still to come in your journey? 

Emily: I have just recently spoken to my family, children, and siblings about what I am going through. It was for me a big deal as I was frightened about rejection.  But the response was very affirming. 

My wife as well has been very supportive as has been her daughter. She has been instructing me in makeup which is new for me but feels great and is very exciting. 

I have not yet completely come out in my professional identity although I am now using my female name when I write. I have also done extensive writing and exploring into patriarchy and the debilitating effect it has had on men with the suppression of feminine qualities. 

Aydan: We have been dancing alone for the last year. How are you feeling about dancing in a group? 

Emily: I had one experience dancing as a follow and the experience was very positive. However, I am spoiled by the special quality of our dancing. Also, there is still a little concern about acceptance. Perhaps I might try to line-dance first before. Tango is of course a much more personal and intimate dance with the possiblity of rejection.